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There are TONS of them so don't be overwhelmed. ENJOY!
Pilot [1.1] Dr. House: See that – they all assume I'm a patient because of the cane. Dr. Wilson: Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us? Dr. House: Then they think I'm a doctor.
Dr. House: What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or who ignores you while you get better?
Orange-Colored Patient: What are those? Dr. House: Painkillers. Orange-Colored Patient: Oh, for you, for your leg. Dr. House: No, because they're yummy.
Dr. Cuddy: You don’t prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don’t since Tuskeegee and Mengele. Dr. House: You're comparing me to a Nazi? [admiringly] Nice ...
Dr. Foreman: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors? Dr. House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.
Rebecca Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity. Dr. House: There’s no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we’re 90, sometimes before we’re even born, but it always happens and there’s never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your ass. It's always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can't die with it.
Rebecca Adler: What made you a cripple? Dr. House: I had an infarction. Rebecca Adler: A heart attack? Dr. House: It happens when the blood flow is obstructed. It's in the heart, it's a heart attack; it's in the lungs, it's a pulmonary embolism; it's in the brain, it's a stroke. I had it in my thigh muscles. Rebecca Adler: Wasn't there something they could do? Dr. House: There was plenty they could do... if they had made the right diagnosis. The only symptom was pain. Not many people get to experience muscle death. Rebecca Adler: Did you think you were dying? Dr. House: I hoped I was dying.
Dr. Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record. Dr. House: No, it wasn’t a racial thing, I didn’t see a black guy. I just saw a doctor...with a juvenile record. I hired Chase ‘cause his dad made a phone call. I hired you because you are extremely pretty. Dr. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?! Dr. House: I can’t believe that that would shock you. It’s also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good; it’s like having a nice piece of art in the lobby. Dr. Cameron: I was in the top of my class. Dr. House: But not THE top. Dr. Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic. Dr. House: Yes, you were a very good applicant. Dr. Cameron: But not the best? Dr. House: Would that upset you, really, to think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty not some genetic gift of intelligence? Dr. Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am. Dr. House: But you didn’t have to. People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That’s the law of nature, and you defied it. That’s why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn’t, you worked your stunning little ass off. Dr. Cameron: Am I supposed to be flattered? Dr. House: Gorgeous women do not go to medical school. Unless they’re as damaged as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member? Dr. Cameron: No! Dr. House: Sexually assaulted? Dr. Cameron: No. Dr. House: But you are damaged, aren’t you?
Paternity [1.2]
Dr. House: When did my signature get so girly? Dr. Cameron: I can explain. Dr. House: See that "G," see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn’t even look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What's the differential diagnosis for writing "G's" like a junior high school girl?
Dr. Chase: It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain. Dr. House: Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.
Dr. House: [to a mother who doesn't want vaccinations for her baby] You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for 6 months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die than cough up 40 bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop really fast.
Dr. Cameron: What about sex? Dr. House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that. Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis. Dr. House: Heh, nice cover. *winks*
Dr. Cuddy: How’s your hooker doing? Dr. House: Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.
Occam's Razor [1.3
Dr. House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file. Dr. House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board... [long pause to insinuate "bored" instead of "board"] certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
[turns to face Dr. Cuddy] Dr. House: That is true, isn't it?
[turns to crowd] Dr. House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem...but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
[nobody moves] Dr. House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[everybody raises their hands] Dr. House: Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind. Dr. Cuddy: Jody Matthews?
[Jody raises her hand] Dr. Cuddy: Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.
Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up. Dr. House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. Not going to happen.
Dr. Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex. Dr. Chase: [currently not so comfortable himself] Well, we don't have to talk about this... Dr. Cameron: Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly and it's messy, and if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. [pause to breathe deep and stare at each other] Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
[Foreman enters] Dr. Cameron: [as if nothing had just occurred] Hey Foreman. What's up?
Dr. Foreman: Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is always the best. Dr. House: And you think one is simpler then two? Dr. Cameron: I'm pretty sure it is, yeah. Dr. House: Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one? Dr. Foreman: I think your argument is specious. Dr. House: I think your tie is ugly.
Dr. House: No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate.
Dr. Cuddy: Working with people actually makes you a better doctor. Dr. House: When did I sign up for that course? Dr. Cuddy: When did I give you the impression that I care? Dr. House: Working in this clinic obviously instills a deep sense of compassion.
Dr. Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth. Dr. House: And triteness kicks us in the nads.
Maternity [1.4]
Dr. House: This is our fault. Doctors over-prescribing antibiotics. Got a cold? Take some penicillin. Sniffles? No problem. Have some azithromycin. Is that not working anymore? Oh, got your Levaquin. Antibacterial soaps in every bathroom. We'll be adding vancomycin to the water supply soon. We bred these superbugs. They're our babies. And they're all grown up and they've got body piercings and a lot of anger.
Dr. House: You have a parasite. Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?...Can you do anything about it? Dr. House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states. Jill: Illegal? Dr. House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites... (he shows her the ultrasound) It has your eyes.
Damned If You Do [1.5]
Dr. Wilson: Sixth circle of Hell? Dr. House: Confined in a sweat box with a bloody nose and all the tissues are soggy.
Dr. Wilson: I think that's the Seventh?
Dr. House: Nope. The Seventh...
Dr. Wilson: God, you must be fun at parties.
Dr. House: I think we both know the flaw in that theory.
Dr. House: I've been a doctor for years – why do I have to keep assuring people I know what I'm doing?
Dr. House: You hate nuns. You can't hate someone if you don't know them.
Dr. Chase: Know any Nazis? Maybe I hate them on principle.
Dr. House: I am both amused and annoyed that you think I should be less stubborn than you are.
Dr. House: You can have all the faith you want in spirits, and the afterlife, and heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don’t be an idiot. ‘Cause you can tell me you put your faith in God to put you through the day, but when it comes time to cross the road, I know you look both ways.
Fidelity [1.7]
Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.
Dr. House: You certainly love saying it.
Dr. House: I don't ask why patients lie. I just assume they all do.
Dr. House: I didn't know it was possible for a woman to be unusually irritable.
Dr. House: Fever. Clinical depression does not cause fever.
Dr. Foreman: She could be sick and depressed?
Dr. House: She's sick! Dammit, why didn't I think of that?
Dr. Cuddy: It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?
Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding me?
Dr. House: It's what I do...has it gotten worse lately?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
Dr. House: Really. Well, that rules out the race thing. 'Cause you were just as black last week.
Dr. Wilson: I'm not gonna date a patient's daughter.
Dr. House: Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don't date at all.
Dr. House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!
Dr. House: Uh-oh. What's going on?
Dr. Cameron: I'm re-calibrating the centrifuge.
Dr. House: Turn around. [She does, and she's obviously been crying.] It's a very sad thing, an uncalibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too.
Poison [1.8]
Dr. House: I assume "minimal at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell"?
Dr. Chase: I'm Australian.
Dr. House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British.
Dr. Foreman: The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.
Dr. House: That's the way calculus presents.
Dr. House: I am extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs and you come back with tomato sauce.
Georgia: I notice colors more. And music. I- I'm really hearing music. I'm eighty-two, and I'm supposed to be playing canasta with the other old ladies, but... now when I see a guy with a cute butt...I just can't stop looking at him. [looks at House] Or a sexy beard.
Dr. House: And you figure that enjoying cute butts is a sign of disease?
Georgia: So I watched it. And it had this actor in it. This kid called Ashton Kutcher. Now, I think about Ashton all the time. All the time.
Dr. House: Aha.
Georgia: You remind me of him. Same bedroom eyes.
Dr. House: People are always mixing us up.
Matt: Who are they?
Margot: Oh, they're the arrogant jerks that saved your life.
Dr. House: “I, Margot Davis, have been informed of the risks which may arise from my refusal of advised medical care. I hereby release-”
Margot: Who are you?
Dr. House: I work for the hospital. “–the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, its employees agents, and otherwise from any adverse medical conditions resulting from my refusal. It is not the hospital’s fault if my son kicks off.”
Margot: “Kicks off”?
Dr. House: I punched up the language, mostly for clarification. “I understand my doctors consider my decision to be completely idiotic-”
Margot: Why are you doing this?
Dr. House: “-but I am convinced that I know more than they do. I took a biology course in high school, so… yeah. Besides, I enjoy controlling every single aspect of my son’s life, even if it means his death.” Sign here, please. I brought a pen.
Margot: Who are you?
Dr. House: I’m the doctor who’s trying to save your son. You’re the mom who’s letting him die. Clarification: it’s a beautiful thing.
Dr. Wilson: "The healer with his magic powers/I could rub his gentle brow for hours/His manly chest, his stubbled jaw/Everything about him leaves me raw-"
Dr. House: Psych ward's upstairs.
DNR [1.9]
Dr. House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team." There is a "me," though, if you jumble it up.
Dr. Foreman: You assaulted that man.
Dr. House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Dr. Foreman: Yes, you will.
Dr. House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.
Dr. House: Hang on to that DNR, that signature could be worth a lot of money real soon.
Dr. Wilson: You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex - they need to save the world? You’ve got the Rubik’s complex; you need to solve the puzzle.
Dr. Foreman: He doesn’t want you treating him!
Dr. House: They dropped the court order.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, and that girl dropped the charges against Kobe. Doesn’t mean that he should call her and see if she’s free to get a sundae.
Dr. House: Life sucks. Your life sucks more than most. It’s not as bad as some, which is depressing all by itself.
John: You don’t risk jail and your career just to save somebody who doesn’t want to be saved unless you got something, anything, one thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that’s because they don’t got that one thing that hits them that hard and that true. I got music; you got this. The thing you think about all the time, the thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we miss out on is everything else.
Histories [1.10]
Dr. House: Okay, you two – grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.
Medical student: You're reading a comic book.
Dr. House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature.
Dr. Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody.
Dr. House: I don't need to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.
Dr. Wilson: You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word "friend" can also be translated as "limping twerp."
Dr. Wilson: I forgot: I need a reason to give a crap.
Dr. House: You’re giving two craps.
Dr. Wilson: The metric system always confuses me.
Dr. Chase: You're joking.
Dr. House: Well, hard not to - nothing funnier than cancer.
Student: I thought you were supposed to be listening to our patient histories.
Dr. House: Nope. I’m supposed to be teaching you. If I can do that without listening, more power to me.
Detox [1.11]
Dr. Cuddy: You know, there are other ways to manage pain.
Dr. House: Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?
[after House sneezes on the surgery cloths]
Anesthesiologist: There's no way we can do this surgery now.
Dr. Hourani: You think?!
Dr. House: Let me talk to shipping, I speak their language.
Dr. House: His liver is shutting down.
Father: What? What does that mean?
Dr. House: Means he's all better, he can go home.
Father: What?
Dr. House: What do you think it means? He can't live without a liver, he's dying.
Father: What is your problem?
Dr. House: Bum leg, what's yours?
Pharmacist: Okay, pharmaceuticals were delivered this morning, but shipping accidentally sent the box with Vicodin to research.
Dr. House: Hmmm. That’s a tough one. If only we had some way to communicate with another part of the building.
[He picks up the phone.]
Dr. Cuddy: You’re addicted.
Dr. House: If the pills ran my life, I’d agree with you, but it’s my leg busy calendaring what I can’t do.
Dr. Wilson: She’s hot, so she’s a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?
Dr. House: The envious, jealous, I-never-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic, hello!
Dr. Cuddy: So that’s your plan? You’re gonna play chicken with the kid’s life?
Dr. House: Well, he’s the dad. I should win easily.
Dr. House: I take risks; sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes more patients to die, so I guess my biggest problem is I’ve been cursed with the ability to do the math.
Sports Medicine [1.12]
Dr. Cameron: If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would've packed him up and sent him home!
Dr. House: My God, you're right, I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like stink on cheese.
Patient: I can't get my contact lenses out-
Dr. House: Out of what? They're not in your eyes.
Patient: But they're red.
Dr. House: That’s because you're trying to remove your corneas.
Dr. House: "Hypo-gonadism." Ain't that a great word? Thanks - we don't get to say it enough.
Dr. House: You take a perverse pleasure at turning me down.
Dr. Cuddy: It's what I live for. Once in a while, though, try to ruin my day. Ask me something I can say "yes" to.
Lola: You got a big "Keep Out" sign stapled on your forehead.
Dr. House: That explains it, I told them to put it on my door.
Lola: Even if real human contact is something you don't have or even want or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.
Dr. House: Yeah. Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts - they're trading brains.
Dr. House: What, you're saying I've only got one friend?
Dr. Wilson: Uh, and who...?
Dr. House: ...Kevin, in Bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well first of all, his name's Carl.
Dr. House: I call him Kevin. It’s a secret "friendship club" name.
Dr. Cameron: Would you give up a baby for someone you love?
Dr. House: Please tell me I don’t have to decide. Depends, how long would they live?
Dr. Cameron: Is this a pragmatic question for you?
Dr. House: Fifty years, no problem. Six months, I say let 'em die. Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought, and my personal tipping point is seven years, eight months, and 14 days.
Dr. House: You see, kidneys don't wear watches. Sure, gallbladders do, but it doesn't matter, 'cause kidneys can't tell time.
Dr. House: Hank Wiggen peed on me. What do you think these pants are worth on eBay?
Dr. House: Everybody does stupid things, it shouldn't cost them everything they want in life.
Dr. Cuddy: No, it shouldn't, but it usually does. On the other hand...it means someone can actually beat the Yankees.
Dr. House: Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to find ways to hide steroid use.
Dr. Cuddy: You put him on Lupron.
Dr. House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Cuddy: And, you told them it was like milk.
Dr. House: Yes.
Dr. Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. House: It’s creamy. But, I had three reasons.
Dr. Cuddy: Good ones?
Dr. House: Well, we’ll see in a minute; I’m just making them up now.
Cursed [1.13]
Dr. House: A secret club? What's the secret - they're all morons?
Dr. Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?
Dr. House: I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life.
Gabriel: Who are you?
Dr. House: The little ones call me "Uncle Greg."
Dr. Chase: I don't hate him. I loved him until I figured out it hurts a lot less to just not care. You don't expect him to turn up to your football match? No disappointments. You don't expect a call on your birthday, don't expect to see him for months? No disappointments. You want us to go make up? Sink a few beers together, nice family hug? I've given him enough hugs. He's given me enough disappointments.
Dr. Cuddy: Just enlarged hilar lymph nodes.
Dr. House: Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler.
Dr. House: Take another history. Even if we don’t learn out what’s causing this, we definitely need to know if twelve-year-olds are getting any action.
Dr. House: You want to know how two chemicals interact. Do you ask them? No, they’re going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
Dr. House: You haven’t told Robert. You don’t want to burden him because you were such a lousy dad.
Rowan Chase: I’d prefer you not tell him.
Dr. House: Yeah, it’s better. I’ll get to see his face when he reads his dad’s obituary.
Dr. Cameron: Parents are never as bad as kids think they are.
Dr. House: As fascinating as our bodies are, they’re also stupid.
Control [1.14]
[The hospital's just been bought by billionaire drug mogul Edward Vogler]
Dr. House: No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator with blood. Boys' choirs. Those are bad omens. This is much more mundane. A billionaire wants to get laid.
Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. House: And the reason you want respect...?
Dr. Wilson: To...get laid.
Dr. Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than me. Like half your age.
Dr. Wilson: How do you know she needs a heart transplant?
Dr. House: I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.
Dr. Wilson: She was uncomfortable doing any more tests! I had to convince her to do that one!
Dr. House: Do you get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with you?
Dr. House: You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities.
Dr. Wilson: Our friendship is an ethical responsibility.
[edit]
Mob Rules [1.15]
Bill: His name's Joey, he's my only brother.
Dr. House: He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him, we'll use the real medicine.
Dr. Chase: You can trust me.
Dr. House: Problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway, you've been a big help.
Dr. House: I need a lawyer.
Vogler: Who’d you kill?
Dr. House: Nobody, but it’s not even lunch.
Dr. House: We’re a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with patients when they’re actually sick.
Dr. Chase: [About Dr. Cameron] Uh-huh. And why is her test better than mine?
Dr. House: Because she’s cuter. Though it’s close.
Dr. Foreman: You thought he was being poisoned by hemlock? Dr. Euripides tell you to check for that?
Bill: You want to get hit, too?
Dr. House: That would be quite a trick. "He slapped me so hard his brother turned straight.”
Heavy [1.16]
Lucille: I'll have a huge scar! I won't be able to wear a bikini!
Dr. House: You wear a bikini now?
Lucille: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Dr. House: Nope, but I’ve never gone swimming with you.
Dr. House: You ever see an infected pierced scrotum?
Dr. Cuddy: Um, no, but I know a few people on whom I’d like to see it happen.
Dr. Foreman: Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It’s gotta be a mistake.
Dr. House: Right. The simplest explanation is she’s a forty-year-old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on.
Lucille: It’s really bad, especially at night. It’s like my heart is on fire, like it’s, uh, oh, I don’t know, like it’s…
Dr. House: Burning?
Lucille: Exactly!
Dr. House: Hmm, sounds almost like heartburn.
Lucille: So, can you give me something?
Dr. House: Like a thesaurus?
Lucille: I’m not pregnant.
Dr. House: Sorry, you don’t get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules.
Dr. House: I’m sorry. I guess I must have just been brainwashed by the media and all those years of medical training.
[Dr. House has been told to fire one of his doctors]
Dr. House: I’m thinking I can convince Vogler it would be more cost-efficient to let me keep all of them.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren’t very good with numbers.
Dr. House: It will be more cost-efficient once I’ve grabbed Cameron’s ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase… well, I can grab his ass, too.
Dr. Wilson: You are uniquely talented in many areas, but office politics is not one of them.
Dr. House: Why would you support someone who screws up?
Dr. Cameron: Because I’m not insanely insecure. And because I can actually trust in another human being, and I am not an angry, misanthropic son of a bitch.
Dr. House: I'm sorry, you said you weren't angry.
Dr. House: Figures you’d try and come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The problem is, the world doesn’t work that way just ‘cause you want it to.
Dr. Cameron: Figures you’d stall and refuse to deal with the issue. Problem is, the world doesn’t go away just because you want it to.
Dr. House: Physician-patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations.
Role Model [1.17]
Dr. House: He didn't have any reason to lie.
Dr. Wilson: Everybody lies...except politicians? House, I believe you're a romantic. You didn't just believe him - you believed in him. You want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry?
Dr. House: Are you ... comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so you know, I've never made a tree.
Dr. Cuddy: In the Senator’s condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!
Dr. House: Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.
Dr. House: You know the chances of you getting HIV from heterosexual sex with a condom?
Senator Wright : Yes.
Dr. House: Some day there will be a black President. Some day there will be a gay President. Maybe there'll even be a gay, black President. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black, and dead. You need to stop lying to me.
Vogler: Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals has developed a new ACE inhibitor. I would like you to extol the virtues of this breakthrough medication.
Dr. House: Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals… wait a second, don’t I own that company? Oh, no, that’s right: you do.
Dr. Cuddy: You’re not doing a brain biopsy on a spot on a MRI.
Dr. House: Where’d you get that?
Dr. Cuddy: Not on an United States Senator.
Dr. House: Oh, just so I’m clear: if he was a janitor, that would be okay. Do you have a list?
Dr. Cuddy: You could make the argument for watching carefully for the time being.
Dr. House: But you’d only make that argument if you were an administrator covering your own ass.
Dr. House: You’re not going to become President either way. They don’t call it the White House because of the paint job.
Dr. House: [Regarding the speech promoting a new product Vogler is forcing him to give] I am selling my soul.
Dr. Wilson: Just a little piece. And you are getting something in return.
Dr. House: I said I was selling it. I didn’t say I was giving it away. That would be immoral and stupid.
Dr. House:(at press convention) Volger is a smart man, and the new meds work. They work because the old ones work which is what the new ones are, just a lot more expensive.
Babies & Bathwater [1.18]
Vogler: [to House] The board's meeting again this evening. Why don't you settle down, play some Game Boy? Why don't you watch your soap? I hear they're firing the handsome doctor today – that should be a good one.
Dr. House: Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you – she only has thighs for me.
[House is dreaming that Vogler has cancer]
Vogler: So, there is some hope.
Dr. House: Always. But just in case, I special-ordered a jumbo-sized coffin.
Vogler: Hey ...
Dr. House: Don't thank me. It's just who I am.
Dr. House: Sorry, up late. Internet porn.
Dr. Chase: How come you’re not in your office?
Dr. House: Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.
Kids [1.19]
Dr. House: Vogler is dead.
Dr. Cameron: What? What happened?
Dr. House: Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea. Mr. Destructo. Mr. Money Bags. Bow down before me. He's gone from the hospital. Things can go back to the way they were.
Dr. Cameron: The way they were was kinda weird.
Dr. House: Ehh – weird works for me.
Dr. Cuddy: Dr. House! We need you here.
Dr. House: Sorry, lotta sick people. I might catch something.
Dr. Wilson: You should just fire Chase.
Dr. House: What, and miss out on all this fun?
Dr. Wilson: So you're going to torture him for a while and then fire him? That's cold.
Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing?
Dr. House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
Dr. Cuddy: I am working, it got hot, stop acting like a 13-year-old!
Dr. House: Sorry, you just don't usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
Dr. House: No, they can be babes. You just don't usually see their funbags.
[House is interviewing doctors to replace Cameron]
Dr. House: Ah, not interviewing today. I don't know if you've heard, but there's this big time epidemic. Many sick people puking in the hallways, it's crazy.
Dr. House: Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a 20-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don’t leave the library for 20 hours stretches, they're the ones who don’t care what you think. Sayonara.
Dr. House: You actually speak four languages, or you just banking on never being interviewed by anyone who does?
Dr. House: You Jewish?
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Yeah.
Dr. House: Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Two hours of begging?
Dr. House: I heard four.
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Well, actually I'm only half-Jewish.
Mary: You're going to tell my parents?
Dr. House: Someone should. Rock paper scissors?
Mary: They don't need to know. I'll be all right.
Dr. House: Of course you will. If you’re old enough to bleed out of your vagina, obviously you're old enough to handle a simple thing like an abortion without Mommy and Daddy's help.
Dr. House: Okay, do what the guy who didn’t specialize in neurology said.
Dr. House: Did you see her shoes?
Dr. Wilson: Her shoes? What, did your horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women wearing green shoes?
Dr. House: The eyes can mislead, the smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.
Dr. Wilson: You’re not going to be happy with anyone.
Dr. House: So what, your advice is... hire someone I’m not happy with and be happy?
Dr. Wilson: No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.
Love Hurts [1.20]
Dr. Foreman: [Referring to Dr. House] He scared a guy into stroking out?
Dr. Wilson: Does that surprise anyone here?
Dr. Cameron: [Referring to Dr. House] He agreed to go on a date with me.
Dr. Foreman: A date? Date, dinner & a movie, naked and sweaty date?
Dr. Cameron: He only committed to the first two.
Dr. House: Ramona. You naughty girl. You've either got yourself an 18-year-old boyfriend or an 80-year-old with some little blue pills.
Dr. House: Wow. Well, you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.
Dr. Cuddy: Well –
Dr. House: Actually, it was your blouse I was talking about.
Lawyer: So, what's that, two strokes you've scared this guy into?
Dr. House: Yeah. It's making me question my view of myself as a people person.
Dr. Foreman: Hey, I’ve been on the scene more than you recently.
Dr. House: Way ahead of you. I've got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD. We are gonna get all the way down.
Dr. House: This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you’re not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.
Dr. House: I have been on a date...
Dr. Wilson: Not since disco died.
Dr. Cameron: I have one evening with you, one chance. And I don't want to waste it talking about what movies you like or what wines you hate. I want to know how you feel -- about me.
Dr. House: You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that is imperfect. That's why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don't love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your new charity case. That's why you're going out with me. I'm twice your age, I'm not great-looking, I'm not charming; I'm not even nice. What I am is what you need. I'm damaged.
Dr. Chase: Wow. Yeah, I get it. House is adorable. I just want to hold him and never let go.
Dr. Chase: I said I thought it was a trauma-induced aneurysm.
Dr. House: Yeah, could have carried a tad more weight if you’d mentioned the “liking pain” thing. You’re on my naughty list. Sorry, no leather stethoscope this Christmas.
Dr. House: The Love Doctor has made an art of breaking up with women. ‘Cause you’re convinced that the loss of you would be too devastating for any woman to handle.
Dr. Foreman: Yeah, I’m the one with the serious ego problem here.
Dr. Cuddy: You lied to them!
Mrs. Park: He told us our son was dead.
Dr. House: It’s only a white lie. Technically, all I did was call them a little early. Trust me, he’ll be dead real soon. Actually, I saved you some rush hour traffic.
Dr. House: Humiliation comes in all kinds of packages. People finding out that your son’s a perv, that’s pretty high up there. People finding out that you’d rather let your son die than sign a piece of paper, where’s that rank?
Three Stories [1.21]
Dr. Cuddy: Dr. Reilly is throwing up. He obviously can't lecture.
Dr. House: You witness the spew? Or you just have his word for it? I think I'm coming down with a little bit of the clap. May have to go home for a few days.
Dr. House: Would you worry about her more if she was younger?
Medical student: Obviously we should care about our patients no matter what age.
Dr. House: Yeah, right. I saw the way you were looking at Carmen. She's mine, stay away.
Dr. House: So I should help her because she hates me.
Dr. Wilson: She doesn't hate you. She loves you, she just...can't stand to be around you.
Dr. House: I'm sure this goes against everything you’ve been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is – maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is – doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.
Dr. House: On average, drug addicts are stupid.
[Swallows Vicodin]
Dr. House: I believe drug addicts get sick. Actually, for some reason, they tend to get sick more often than non-drug addicts.
Dr. House: It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for.
Dr. House: Why is it always me?
Dr. Cuddy: Because the world hates you. Or because it’s a class on diagnostics. Pick whatever reason feeds your narcissism better.
Dr. House: I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see visions, this patient saw. They’re all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.
Dr. Foreman: You choose to believe that?
Dr. House: There’s no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.
Dr. Cameron: You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?
Dr. House: I find it more comforting to believe that this simply isn’t a test.
The Honeymoon [1.22]
Dr. House: You know, we should do things together. Maybe throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff.
Mark: We could go for a run together.
Dr. House: Hah! He’s Oscar Wilde!
Dr. Cameron: Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars?--I'm being House. It's funny.
Dr. Foreman: I know. You made milk come out of my nose.
Dr. Cameron: Previous tests revealed nothing that would cause abdominal pain or the mood swings.
Dr. House: Then we're done! What do you think, ball game, zoo? I don't care, I just want to hang with you guys.
Dr. House: Here's to women. Can't live with them, can't kill them and tell the neighbors they're stripping in Atlantic City.
Mark: Damn straight.
Dr. House: I'm definitely taller.
Mark: I have more hair.
Dr. Cameron: What happened to "everybody lies"?
Dr. House: I was lying.
Dr. House: Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that’s negative, ultrasound his belly. If that’s negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. Did I miss anything?
Dr. Chase: Kitchen sink?
Dr. House: Well, we could certainly give that a – oh, you minx.
Dr. Wilson: Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant.
Dr. House: Please, don't put me on a pedestal.
Dr. Cameron: You're not interested in the medical history. You're a Peeping Tom trying to spy on your ex.
Dr. House: Her secret diary - that's the main thing.
Dr. House: You take the big, dark one, I've got the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough.
Dr. House: So I'm the guy, but you want the other guy, who by definition can never be the guy.
Dr. Cuddy: I want to run something by you.
Dr. House: [loudly] I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that first time. All that desperate, administrative need –
Dr. Cameron: [to House] I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone. I was wrong. You just couldn't love me. It's good. I'm happy for you.
Mark: I’m glad you two got a chance to catch up. Looks like you’re having fun.
Dr. House: Oh, he’s good. If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything.
Dr. House: You know why people sit in waiting rooms?
Stacy: This is gonna be good.
Dr. House: People think the closer they’re sitting to the operating room, the more they care.
Stacy: He’s sick, paranoid, and you keep hammering him about me?
Dr. House: The questions were designed to define the operational parameters of his limbic system –
Stacy: Elevate the words all you want; you were just screwing with him. Low even by your standards.
Dr. House: Medical screwing: it’s what I do.
Dr. House: I’m sure he’s a good guy. He’s probably a great guy. Probably a much better guy than I am. And some part of me wants him to die. I’m just not sure if it’s because I want to be with her, or if it’s because I want her to suffer.
Season 2
Acceptance [2.1]
Assistant: You can't go in there.
Dr. House: Who are you? And why are you wearing a tie?
Assistant: I'm Dr Cuddy's new Assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?
Dr. House: Yes! I would like to know why she gets a Secretary & I don't.
Assistant: I'm her Assistant, not her Secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.
Dr. House: Hmm... I didn't know they had a Secretarial School. Well, I hope you took some classes in Sexual Harrassment Law. Does the word Ka-Ching mean anything to you? I'm going in now.
Dr. House: You met me at a strip club.
Stacy: You were the worst two dollars I ever spent.
Dr. House: Death row guy. I want the case.
Dr. Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don’t have access to the hospital’s mainframe.
Dr. House: No, but "partypants" does.
Dr. Cuddy: You stole my password?
Dr. House: Hardly counts as stealing; it’s a pretty obvious choice.
Dr. House: Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.
Dr. Cuddy: You're addicted to pain pills.
Dr. House: But I'm not useless.
Dr. House: You know how they say all you need is love. Well, oxygen is even more important.
Dr. Cameron: I took an oath to do no harm.
Dr. House: Yeah, well, it's not like they made you sign it or anything.
Dr. Chase: How does an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin?
Dr. Foreman: Are you serious?
Dr. House: The man knows prisons. When we’ve got a yachting question, we’ll come to you.
Dr. House: I know you're friends with her, but there is a code. Bros before hos, man.
Dr. House: Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it.
[Regarding taking on the case of a man on death row]
Dr. Foreman: Aren’t there better ways to spend our time?
Dr. House: Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife?
Dr. Foreman: Uh… yeah. Actually, he is.
Dr. House: What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn’t kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I’ll review it when I get back.
Dr. Cameron: A spot on a x-ray doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s terminal.
Dr. House: I love children. So filled with hope.
Dr. Chase: I’m against the death penalty in principle. In practice, however, watching a murderer die causes me a lot less grief than annoying my boss.
Dr. Cameron: Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than whites.
Dr. Foreman: Doesn’t mean we need to get rid of the death penalty, do we? It just means we need to kill more white people.
Dr. House: Who wants to head over to the prison and find Clarence’s secret stash?
Dr. Foreman: Fine, I’ll do it.
Dr. House: Great! Chase it is.
Dr. Chase: I assume you have a reason beyond wanting to make me completely miserable?
Dr. House: You’ve got a prettier mouth. Better chance the inmates will open up to you.
Dr. Chase: No lesions, no aneurysms. Ironically, the mind of a killer looks completely normal.
Autopsy [2.2]
Dr. Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.
Dr. House: Tell that to all the hookers that won't kiss me on the mouth.
Dr. House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Cuddy: Are you high?
Dr. House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
Cuddy: It's Wednesday.
Cuddy: You're actually talking about killing her.
House: Just for a little while, I'll bring her right back.
Cuddy: Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are we even talking?
Dr. House: Union rules. I can’t check out this guy’s seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.
Dr. Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
Dr. House: It’s off by one percentage point.
Dr. Foreman: It’s within range. It’s normal.
Dr. House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she’d be a dolphin.
Dr. House: You see grace because you want to see grace.
Dr. Wilson: You don’t see grace because you won’t go anywhere near her.
Humpty Dumpty [2.3]
Dr. House: I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear.
Dr. House: If I tried a scheme like this, you'd get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit.
Dr. House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.
Dr. House: The good news is he won’t be bitching about losing his hand if he can’t breathe.
Dr. House: Might have mentioned this earlier, Doctor. Maybe we could have sent some blood cultures to the lab, instead of wasting a day indulging your self-loathing.
Dr. Foreman: I’m not breaking into my boss’s house.
Dr. House: I’m your boss.
Dr. Chase: She’s scarier than you are.
[Drs. House, Foreman, and Chase are about to break into Dr. Cuddy's house]
Dr. House: What do you think? Red thongs? I think red thongs.
Stacy: How’s Cuddy doing?
Dr. House: She’s not acting like Cuddy. It’s a pleasure.
Stacy: You know her. She has trouble with these situations, feels personally responsible.
Dr. House: Technical term is narcissism. You can’t believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you’re all powerful.
Patient: I’m not buying into no racist drug, okay?
Dr. House: It’s racist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us.
Patient: Look. My heart’s red; your heart’s red. And it don’t make no sense to give us different drugs.
Dr. House: You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it’s a limited sample, but it’s my experience in the last ninety seconds that all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans.
Dr. House: You’ve lost perspective, Cuddy. You’ve stopped looking at this as a doctor. You’re acting like someone who shoved somebody off their roof. You want to make things right? Too bad. Nothing’s ever right.
Dr. House: Your guilt. It’s perverse, and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do.
Dr. Cuddy: You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?
Dr. House: Now, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. [Pointing to Stacy] Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming. I know this wasn’t just because it was your roof. Cuddy… you see the world as it is, and you see the world as it could be. What you don’t see is what everybody else sees: the giant, gaping chasm in between.
Dr. Cuddy: House, I’m not naïve. I realize—
Dr. House: If you did, you never would have hired me. You’re not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: you’re a good boss, and you’ll never be happy.
TB or Not TB [2.4]
[Talking to a patient who has been diagnosed with a cat allergy]
Dr. House: You're allergic. We can control it with antihistamines, one pill a day.
Mandy: Pills?
Dr. House: You don't like to swallow? I'm not surprised. Forget the pills, I'll give you a nasal spray.
Mandy: Steroids? Is there something else you can give me?
Dr. House: Well, if you live by the river, I've got a bag.
Dr. House: Welcome aboard the Good Ship Asskisser. Nice day for a sail. Pucker up, me hearties.
Sebastian: [Snaps his fingers] Another person just died. Where is your outrage?
Dr. House: [Keeps snapping] Sure, they're dying, but it's got a great beat.
Sebastian: Nah, TB's my disease.
Dr. House: You own a disease? Well, I'm sorry I missed the IPO on dengue fever.
Dr. House: Take the pills or I let you die, do an autopsy, call my own press conference, and make sure the world knows that you didn't die of TB. Corporate sponsors will be disappointed, but they'll find another disease.
Sebastian: Why would you do that?
Dr. House: Because I'm just a mean son of a bitch.
Sebastian: Every minute 4 people die of TB.
Dr. House: Wow, how can you sleep at night?
Sebastian: There's people dying in Africa of a disease that we cured over –
Dr. House: Yeah, I know. I saw the concert. Seriously, let's say you sleep six hours, that means every night you kill 1440 people. I guess you gotta get some sleep, but come on, if you'd stayed up another 10 minutes you could have saved 40 lives. Do you send notes to the families in the morning? That's gonna take at least ten minutes, so that's another 40 dead, another 40 notes... why don't you go wrack yourself with guilt in your own room?
Dr. Wilson: You’re just mad that he’s closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
Dr. House: And yet I’ve nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.
Dr. House: There’s an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there’s an evolutionary imperative why we don’t give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn’t function.
Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian’s as selfish as the rest of us.
Dr. House: Just not as honest about it.
Sebastian: What he [House] just did –
Dr. Foreman: Abusive and unprofessional. If he hadn’t done it, we wouldn’t have seen the problem.
Sebastian: I think doctors like House cling to objectivity like a three-year-old to a blanket: don’t get too worked up, stay calm, stay cool, and maintain that correct perspective. The only flaw in their argument is, when you have millions of people dying, the correct perspective is to be yelling at the top of your lungs.
Dr. House: He’s not even a real doctor; he’s a human telethon.
Dr. Wilson: Is that your problem with him? You see hypocrites every day. Why is this guy so special?
Dr. House: You think I have a hypocritical attitude to hypocrisy? The problem is there are 26 letters in the alphabet, and he only uses two of them. He treats thousands of patients with one diagnosis. He knows the answer going in. It’s cheating.
Dr. House: You are as big a media whore as he is.
Dr. Cuddy: Of course I am. It couldn’t possibly be that I think he’s right, and I’d like to be a small part of what he’s doing.
Dr. House: Oh, whores can like the sex. Doesn’t mean they’re not whores.
Dr. House: You want third-world treatment? [Turns up the thermostat] You got it. Boy, is it hot here in Jani!
Dr. Cameron: What are you doing?
Dr. House: What am I doing? [He knocks Sebastian’s things onto the floor] Putting everything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the moving pictures!
Dr. Cameron: You think he’s a hypocrite?
Dr. House: [Unplugging the TV] Hypocrite? No, everyone in Africa’s got cell phones or running water. [He has dropped Sebastian's cell phone in the toilet] This thing just will not flush.
Sebastian: Do you really think that if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, that I’m just going to fold and abandon everything that matters to me?
Dr. House: [Wiping his cane on Sebastian’s blanket] Lousy sanitation over there, too. You are not the same as them; your life is not the same. And you are cheapening everything they’re going through by pretending you are.
Dr. House: D’you notice how all the self-sacrificing women in history – Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa, can’t think of any others – they all die alone. The men, on the other hand, get so much fuzz, it’s crazy.
Dr. Foreman: Good? This is bizarre.
Dr. House: Bizarre is good! Common has hundreds of explanations. Bizarre has hardly any.
Daddy's Boy [2.5]
Dr. Wilson: We're discussing your new patient.
Dr. House: Must be a boring discussion seeing as how I haven't accepted a new patient.
Dr. Wilson: You accepted him the moment I loaned you five grand.
Dr. House: Oooohhhh...wait, wait. When I said I'd do anything for the money, obviously I didn't mean it.
Dr. Cameron: Why would you need five thousand dollars?
Dr. Chase: Bad night at poker...or great night with a hooker?
Dr. House: Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.
Dr. Wilson: If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
Dr. House: I didn't. Just wanted to see if you would give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you draw the line.
Dr. Wilson: You're...you're trying to...objectively measure how much I value our friendship?!
Dr. House: Hey, it's five grand. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.
Dr. Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved, a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, see where you draw the line.
Dr. House: Gimme a reason to get out of this, and I'll tell you who started the rumour about you being a transsexual.
Dr. Cuddy: There is no such rumor.
Dr. House: There will be unless you get me out of this dinner.
Ken: I know the way things work - the better my job, the better my son gets treated.
Dr. House: Right. That's why I'm mad. 'Cause we wasted all that filet mignon on you.
Dr. Cameron: Who was that?
Dr. House: Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that's sexy?
Dr. Cameron: So it's OK to lie to House, but not to a patient.
Dr. Cuddy: Yep!
[Taddy is being wheeled in on a gurney]
Dr. House: You Taddy?
Taddy: What?
Dr. House: Love the name. If I ever have a dog...
Sex Kills [2.14]
Dr. House: Cheese is the Devil's plaything.
Dr. Cameron: You're going to cure death?
Dr. House: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (looks at her) Doubt it.
Dr. House: Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win.
Dr. Cuddy: Don't you think this is a little manipulative?
Dr. House: No, I think it's hugely manipulative.
Clueless [2.15]
Dr. House: You blow dry your hair?
Dr. Wilson: Oh sorry, did I wake you up?
Dr. House: (repeats) You blow dry your hair?
Dr. Wilson: Excuse me for actually caring what I look like.
Dr. House: I think the word you're looking for is obsessing!
Dr. House: Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search.
Dr. Cameron: His wife arranged it for an anniversary present. And if you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage.
(everyone looks stunned)
Dr. House: Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.
DDX is a term for Differential Diagnosis.
Dr. House: Lungs, skin... skin, lungs... Sklungs?
Dr. Wilson: Don't you ever eat anything besides canned soup and peanut butter?
Dr. House: Don't you ever eat anything that doesn't look like it's been rolled onto your plate by a dung beetle?
(referring to Wilson's stuffed pepper)
Dr. Wilson: Now, why do you have a season pass to The New Yankee Workshop?
Dr. House: It's a complete moron working with power tools-- how much more suspenseful can you get?
Dr. House: Where is she? (He's referring to the patient's wife.)
Dr. Cameron: She had to go to the bathroom.
Dr. House: I told you not to let her.
Dr. Cameron: What was I supposed to do, tie her up?
Dr. House: Why not? She likes that.
Dr. Cameron: He's gonna need a lung transplant...
Dr. House: He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?
Dr. Cameron: You're pleased...You think you've proved every marriage is a mistake.
Dr. House: Do I look pleased?
(Dr. Cameron takes some money from her waistband and gives it to House in a very meaningful way; close-up of their hands touching and lingering for a moment when House reaches out to take the bills, looking up at her. After a second, Cameron finally lets go and curls her fingers away. She remains standing there for a moment longer.)
Dr. Cameron: Ignorance is bliss.
Safe [2.16]
Dr. Wilson: Cuddy called.
Dr. House: I know. Saw the caller ID.
Dr. Wilson: Young girl, anaphylactic shock.
Dr. House: You answered?
Dr. Wilson: Turns out that's what stops the ringing.
Dr. Cameron: Why does she have a clean room in her home?
Dr. House: Heart transplant-- immune system's in the toilet. Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble.
Dr. Foreman: Six months after the transplant, she doesn't need to be confined to a clean room.
Dr. House: Six months without putting out, Dr. Cuddy doesn't need to wear thong panties... but it's not our call.
Dr. Cuddy: (sarcastic) I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties.
Dr. Cuddy: These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?
Dr. House: Hasn't let me down yet.
Dr. Chase: (referring to Melinda) Maybe she's allergic to a having a sucky social life.
Dr. Chase: No alarm on this window.
Dr. Cameron: It's a 20-foot drop.
Dr. Chase: You can get to the tree from here. There's some bark scraped off.
Dr. Cameron: Sure-- heart-transplant girl swung down there on a vine. Maybe she was hooking up with Tarzan and Cheetah down by the elephant graveyard.
Dr. Cameron: Test was negative, no semen allergy.
Dr. House: Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis. I don't buy that it's unrelated.
Dr. Cameron: He loves her. Did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.
Dr. House: What does that mean?
Dr. Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. No, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
Dr. House: Oh, snap!
Dr. House: Great part of being a grownup, you never have to do anything.
Dr. Cameron: What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis? Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure, and then heart failure.
Dr. House: And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen? It's anaphylaxis. What else?
Dr. Foreman: What if they really are two puzzles?
Dr. Cameron: You think she had two unrelated rare conditions in one week?
Dr. Foreman: We explained the anaphylaxis.
Dr. House: What do you mean, we? I did! At least I thought I did... maybe I didn't. Still, it was all me.
Dr. Foreman: (writing on board) Heart failure could be either infection, coronary disease, or rejection.
Dr. House: (taking marker away from Foreman) Sorry, there's a reason they call it the white board. It's not my rule. What ties both these conditions together?
(everyone stares blankly at each other)
Dr. Foreman: Okay, we can all stare at each other, or we can investigate what caused the heart failure-- just the heart failure. You wanna give me that black marker?
(House reluctantly gives back the marker)
Dr. Wilson: Where's... the hooker, I assume?
Dr. House: (taps his head) Right up here, buddy.
Dr. Wilson: You said you'd hang the stethescope if you were having sex.
Dr. House: I didn't say it had to be with another person. Can you think of anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure?
Dr. Wilson: No. (raises voice) I was waiting out there for hours!
Dr. House: I need a lot of foreplay. And then there's the cuddling afterwards.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, no wonder you were in the mood-- this month's New Jersey Journal of Cardiology.
Dr. House: Have you seen the centerfold? There's no way those valves are real!
Dr. House: I scammed you into doing the dishes, I made you sit on the steps, I didn't kill your puppy. I did not make you miserable.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, so this is therapy?
Dr. House: No it just... makes me smile.
Dr. Wilson: All right, I'm finding a new place tomorrow.
Dr. House: Right, but not tonight.
Dr. Wilson: Well, I figure you wanna shave my eyebrows while I'm asleep-- I wouldn't wanna deprive you of that last smile.
All In [2.17]
Dr. House: (looking amazed after seeing Cameron all dressed up) Woooooow... (pause) What were we talking about?
(House, Cuddy and Wilson are playing poker at a hospital charity event)
Dr. Cuddy: Call.
Dr. House: You'll call anything.
Dr. Cuddy: My stack is bigger than your stack.
Dr. Wilson: So are you going to tell me an annoying story every time I raise?
Dr. House: God, that would be annoying.
(after hearing about Cuddy's patient)
Dr. Cuddy: You in or out?
Dr. House: I'm out.
Dr. Cuddy: (slaps a five and a three on the table) Oh! Stone cold bluff. You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards, and a little less time staring at my breasts.
Dr. House: They don't match, either.
(Wilson peeks at House's cards and sees that he had pocket aces.)
Dr. House: (to Chase, in front of a girl he's talking to) Hey! How’s that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d come back for seconds. I figured after that girl in the stairwell, you’d be done for the night.
Dr. Chase: He's kidding
Dr. House: No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time.
Dr. House: Got a case.
Dr. Chase: Well, you could've just said that. You didn't have to screw with me.
Dr. House: Yeah, but if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope.
(referring to House's patient from 12 years ago)
Dr. Wilson: Have you read Moby Dick?
Dr. House: It was a book?
Dr. Wilson: It was ten years ago.
Dr. House: Twelve.
Dr. Wilson: Obsession is dangerous.
Dr. House: Only if you're on a wooden ship and your obssession is a whale. I think I'm in the clear.
Dr. Wilson: You do realize it's a metaphor?
Dr. House: You do realize that the point of metaphors is to scare people from doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen, than what will really happen? God, I wish I had a metaphor to explain that better.
Sleeping Dogs Lie [2.18]
(Cameron, Chase, and Foreman enter)
Dr. Cameron: We've got rectal bleeding.
Dr. House: What, all of you?
Dr. House: I'm a night owl, Wilson's an early bird. We're different species.
Dr. Cuddy: Then move him into his own cage.
Dr. House: Who'll clean the droppings from mine?
Dr. Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large int
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